TED日本語 - トニー・ポーター: 男達への提言


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TED日本語 - トニー・ポーター: 男達への提言

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A call to men


Tony Porter






I grew up in New York City, between Harlem and the Bronx. Growing up as a boy, we were taught that men had to be tough, had to be strong, had to be courageous, dominating -- no pain, no emotions, with the exception of anger -- and definitely no fear; that men are in charge, which means women are not; that men lead, and you should just follow and do what we say; that men are superior; women are inferior; that men are strong; women are weak; that women are of less value, property of men, and objects, particularly sexual objects. I've later come to know that to be the collective socialization of men, better known as the "man box." See this man box has in it all the ingredients of how we define what it means to be a man. Now I also want to say, without a doubt, there are some wonderful, wonderful, absolutely wonderful things about being a man. But at the same time, there's some stuff that's just straight up twisted, and we really need to begin to challenge, look at it and really get in the process of deconstructing, redefining, what we come to know as manhood.

This is my two at home, Kendall and Jay. They're 11 and 12. Kendall's 15 months older than Jay. There was a period of time when my wife -- her name is Tammie -- and I, we just got real busy and whip, bam, boom: Kendall and Jay. (Laughter) And when they were about five and six,four and five, Jay could come to me, come to me crying. It didn't matter what she was crying about, she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up, just cry, cry it out. Daddy's got you. That's all that's important.

Now Kendall on the other hand -- and like I said, he's only 15 months older than her -- he'd come to me crying, it's like as soon as I would hear him cry, a clock would go off. I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds, which means, by the time he got to me, I was already saying things like, "Why are you crying? Hold your head up. Look at me. Explain to me what's wrong. Tell me what's wrong. I can't understand you. Why are you crying?" And out of my own frustration of my role and responsibility of building him up as a man to fit into these guidelines and these structures that are defining this man box, I would find myself saying things like, "Just go in your room. Just go on, go on in your room. Sit down, get yourself together and come back and talk to me when you can talk to me like a --" what? (Audience: Man.) Like a man. And he's five years old. And as I grow in life, I would say to myself, "My God, what's wrong with me? What am I doing? Why would I do this?" And I think back. I think back to my father.

There was a time in my life where we had a very troubled experience in our family. My brother, Henry, he died tragically when we were teenagers. We lived in New York City, as I said. We lived in the Bronx at the time, and the burial was in a place called Long Island, it was about two hours outside of the city. And as we were preparing to come back from the burial, the cars stopped at the bathroom to let folks take care of themselves before the long ride back to the city. And the limousine empties out. My mother, my sister, my auntie, they all get out, but my father and I stayed in the limousine, and no sooner than the women got out, he burst out crying. He didn't want cry in front of me, but he knew he wasn't going to make it back to the city, and it was better me than to allow himself to express these feelings and emotions in front of the women. And this is a man who,10 minutes ago, had just put his teenage son in the ground -- something I just can't even imagine. The thing that sticks with me the most is that he was apologizing to me for crying in front of me, and at the same time, he was also giving me props, lifting me up, for not crying.

I come to also look at this as this fear that we have as men, this fear that just has us paralyzed, holding us hostage to this man box. I can remember speaking to a 12-year-old boy, a football player, and I asked him, I said, "How would you feel if, in front of all the players, your coach told you you were playing like a girl?" Now I expected him to say something like, I'd be sad; I'd be mad; I'd be angry, or something like that. No, the boy said to me -- the boy said to me, "It would destroy me." And I said to myself, "God, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?"


It took me back to a time when I was about 12 years old. I grew up in tenement buildings in the inner city. At this time we're living in the Bronx, and in the building next to where I lived there was a guy named Johnny. He was about 16 years old, and we were all about 12 years old -- younger guys. And he was hanging out with all us younger guys. And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good. He was the kind of kid who parents would have to wonder, "What is this 16-year-old boy doing with these 12-year-old boys?" And he did spend a lot of time up to no good. He was a troubled kid. His mother had died from a heroin overdose. He was being raised by his grandmother. His father wasn't on the set. His grandmother had two jobs. He was home alone a lot. But I've got to tell you, we young guys, we looked up to this dude, man. He was cool. He was fine. That's what the sisters said, "He was fine." He was having sex. We all looked up to him.

So one day, I'm out in front of the house doing something -- just playing around, doing something -- I don't know what. He looks out his window; he calls me upstairs; he said, "Hey Anthony." They called me Anthony growing up as a kid. "Hey Anthony, come on upstairs." Johnny call, you go. So I run right upstairs. As he opens the door, he says to me, "Do you want some?" Now I immediately knew what he meant. Because for me growing up at that time, and our relationship with this man box, "Do you want some?" meant one of two things: sex or drugs -- and we weren't doing drugs. Now my box, my card, my man box card, was immediately in jeopardy. Two things: One, I never had sex. We don't talk about that as men. You only tell your dearest, closest friend, sworn to secrecy for life, the first time you had sex. For everybody else, we go around like we've been having sex since we were two. There ain't no first time. (Laughter) The other thing I couldn't tell him is that I didn't want any. That's even worse. We're supposed to always be on the prowl. Women are objects, especially sexual objects.

Anyway, so I couldn't tell him any of that. So, like my mother would say, make a long story short, I just simply said to Johnny, "Yes." He told me to go in his room. I go in his room. On his bed is a girl from the neighborhood named Sheila. She's 16 years old. She's nude. She's what I know today to be mentally ill, higher-functioning at times than others. We had a whole choice of inappropriate names for her. Anyway, Johnny had just gotten through having sex with her. Well actually, he raped her, but he would say he had sex with her. Because, while Sheila never said no, she also never said yes.

So he was offering me the opportunity to do the same. So when I go in the room, I close the door. Folks, I'm petrified. I stand with my back to the door so Johnny can't bust in the room and see that I'm not doing anything, and I stand there long enough that I could have actually done something. So now I'm no longer trying to figure out what I'm going to do; I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this room. So in my 12 years of wisdom, I zip my pants down, I walk out into the room, and lo and behold to me, while I was in the room with Sheila, Johnny was back at the window calling guys up. So now there's a living room full of guys. It was like the waiting room in the doctor's office. And they asked me how was it, and I say to them, "It was good," and I zip my pants up in front of them, and I head for the door.

Now I say this all with remorse, and I was feeling a tremendous amount of remorse at that time, but I was conflicted, because, while I was feeling remorse, I was excited, because I didn't get caught. But I knew I felt bad about what was happening. This fear, getting outside the man box, totally enveloped me. It was way more important to me, about me and my man box card than about Sheila and what was happening to her.

See collectively, we as men are taught to have less value in women, to view them as property and the objects of men. We see that as an equation that equals violence against women. We as men, good men, the large majority of men, we operate on the foundation of this whole collective socialization. We kind of see ourselves separate, but we're very much a part of it. You see, we have to come to understand that less value, property and objectification is the foundation and the violence can't happen without it. So we're very much a part of the solution as well as the problem. The center for disease control says that men's violence against women is at epidemic proportions, is the number one health concern for women in this country and abroad.

So quickly, I'd like to just say, this is the love of my life, my daughter Jay. The world I envision for her -- how do I want men to be acting and behaving? I need you on board. I need you with me. I need you working with me and me working with you on how we raise our sons and teach them to be men -- that it's okay to not be dominating, that it's okay to have feelings and emotions, that it's okay to promote equality, that it's okay to have women who are just friends and that's it, that it's okay to be whole, that my liberation as a man is tied to your liberation as a woman. (Applause)

I remember asking a nine-year-old boy, I asked a nine-year-old boy, "What would life be like for you, if you didn't have to adhere to this man box?" He said to me, "I would be free."

Thank you folks.


私が育ったのはNY市の ハーレムとブロンクスの間でした 子供の頃 こう言われました 男たるものはタフで強く― 勇敢で人の上に立ち 痛みにも 動揺するなと言われた 持っていい感情は怒りだけ 恐れなど持つな 男には責任があるが 女にはない 世の中を引っ張るのは男だ 四の五の言わずついてこい 男性は優れていて 女性は劣っている 男性は強く 女性は弱い 女性は価値が低く 男性の付属品 道具です もっと言うと性的な対象だ のちに私は気付きました こうして男性は社会化され 「男らしさ」の枠に 閉じ込められるのです この箱の中には よく言われているような 「男性らしさ」が入っています ここで断言しておきますが 男性でいることには とても素晴らしいことも もちろんあります しかし同時に もろに歪んでいる― 「男らしさ」もあります ですからこの場を借りて この定義に疑問を投げかけ 「男らしさ」の要素を ひとつひとつ分解し 再定義してみようと思います

私の子供ケンダルとジェイ 12歳と11歳の兄妹で 年の差は15ヶ月 妻のタミーと私は共働きで あくせく勤めていたら ケンダルとジェイが生まれました (笑い) 子供達がまだ5歳か6歳の 幼かったときは ジェイが私のところに 泣きながらやってきたら 理由が何であっても 私は娘をひざに座らせて 泣き止むのを待ち 父として娘の傍にいました

しかしケンダルには違います 15ヶ月早く生まれただけですが 彼が私のところに 泣きながらやってくるのが分かると 私はカウントを始めます 私のところに来るまでに 30秒ほど間をおいてから 「どうしたんだ? 顔を上げて 私を見なさい 理由を説明しなさい 言わなければ分からないよ 何で泣いているんだ」と質問します そして自分の息子を 「男らしく」育てるという 父親としての責任を 無理に果たそうとすると だんだん腹が立ってきて つい言ってしまうのです 「部屋に戻りなさい― いいから戻るんだ 大人しく座って 頭を冷やしてから また話に来るときは もっと「何らしく」話しなさいと? (観客 「男らしく」) そうです 息子はまだ5歳なのに 私も幼い頃は よく思いました 僕のどこがいけないんだろう 何でだろう と考えました 息子をしかった時は 父のことを思い出します

私達の家族は とても辛い経験をしました 私がまだ10代のころ 兄弟のヘンリーが亡くなりました 当時私たち家族は ブロンクスに住んでいて 葬儀が行われたロングアイランドは 家から2時間ぐらい離れていました 葬儀を終え 家に戻る準備をし この先の長い道のりを考え みんなにトイレを済ませてもらおうと 車を停めました 母や姉妹などは リムジンから降りましたが 父と私は残っていました 女性達がその場を去ると 突然父が泣き出しました 私に見られたくなかったでしょうが このままでは帰り道に泣いてしまうと思ったのでしょう 女達の前で悲しがるよりは 息子の前の方がましだと考える これが男性です ほんの10分前に 自分の息子を 埋葬したばかり 私には考えられないことです 一番心に残っているのは 私の前で泣いたのを 父が謝ったことです そして両手を差し出して 私が泣かないように 抱え上げてくれました

このように男性は 「男性らしさ」の定義から 外れる事を恐れるがために 泣きたい時も 泣けないのです そういえば以前 12歳のフットボール選手に 聞いたことがあります 「君のことをコーチが チーム全員の前で 女みたいと言ったらどう思う?」 悲しいとか腹が立つと 答えると思っていたら その男の子は こう言ったのです 「生きて行けないよ」 私はこう思いました 女呼ばわりされると 男子は生きていけないのなら 男子にどうやって 女子のこと教えられるでしょうか


私が12歳ぐらいのときは どうだったでしょうか ブロンクスのスラム街近くの 安アパートで暮らしていました 隣に住むジョニーは 16歳ぐらいでしたから 私達は弟分でした よくみんなで遊んでいましたが ジョニーは不良だったので 親達は心配していました 「どんな遊びをしているのだろう?」ってね 悪さばかりしていたジョニーは 問題児扱いでした 母親がヘロイン中毒で亡くなり 祖母に育てられたのです 父親はいません 祖母はずっと仕事で ジョニーは家に一人ぼっち でも私達の間では 尊敬されていました おしゃれで格好良いジョニーは 女の子からもモテて 恋人もいたので 憧れの的でした

ある日 家の外で 何かをして遊んでいると ジョニーが部屋の窓から 私のニックネームで 「アンソニー」と呼ぶのです 来いと言われたので 急いで上がって行くと 「お前もやるか」と聞かれました すぐに何か分かりました 当時少年だった私の 「男らしい」行動を考えると 「やるか?」と聞かれた場合 セックスかドラックです ドラッグはやっていませんでした すると 私の「男らしさ」は 窮地に立たされました 私はセックスも未経験だった それは男同士で話しませんでした よほどの親友でなければ 初体験の話はしない 君が初めてだよと言う人は たいてい?つきです (笑い) しかし どちらも嫌と言うのも 男としては恥ずかしいことです 女はいつも男にとって 性的対象なのですから

私は迷っていました 結局ジョニーには 「やるよ」とだけ言いました 彼の部屋に行くと ベッドに近所のシェイラがいました 16歳の彼女は 裸でした 当時は知らなかったのですが シェイラは知的障害があったのです 彼女をひどく侮辱してから ジョニーはセックスをしました レイプに近い状況でしたが シェイラは断らなかったと言うのです しかし許してもいません

そして私もやれと言うのです 部屋に入ってドアを閉めると 私は動けなくなりました そしてジョニーが入って来ないように ドアを背中で押さえていました かなりの長い間何もしないで ドアの所に立って考えていたのは どうやって部屋を出るかでした まだ12歳の私は ズボンのチャックを下ろして 部屋を出たのです するとどうでしょう シェイラと部屋にいた時 ジョニーは仲間を呼んだらしく リビングは人がたくさんいて 病院の待合室のようでした 感想を聞かれたので 「よかった」と言っておきました それからチャックを上げて 玄関に向かったのです

今も後悔しています 当時はもっと後悔していました 嘘がバレなかったことは 嬉しかったのですが 悪いことをした気分でした 「男らしく」ないことをしたと 不安になりました 私にとって重要だったのは シェイラに対する事ではなく 私が「男らしく」ない行動を してしまった事でした

男性は一般的に 女性を見下したがり 女性を男性の所有物と考えます それらが女性に対する暴力になるのです 男性の大多数は とても賢い生き物だから 社会全体の根幹を 男性が支配しているなどど 人間を分けて考えるのが男性です みなさんに分かって欲しいのは 女性に対する見下した態度が 女性への暴力を生むことです 問題を起こしている男性自身が その解決の鍵なのです 疾病管理センターによると 女性が男性からの暴力で 健康を害する場合が多い事は 世界的な問題です

愛する娘ジェイのために 言っておきたい事があります 男性がどう行動すれば 娘が安心できるのでしょうか みなさんも私と一緒に 息子達をどう育てればいいのか ぜひ考えて下さい そして「男らしく」あるには 威圧的でなくてもよく 感情的であってもよく 男女平等の考えで 女性と付き合っても良いと 息子に教えるのです 私が男性として自由になれば あなたも女性として自由になれます

私はかつて9歳の息子に こう尋ねたことがあります 「男らしさにこだわらずに 生きていいとしたら?」 息子は「自由になれる」と言いました



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